Words are not sufficient, but I have to try...

Hi. 

First, I want to say that I know I have been absent from this blog for quite a while.  Post-grad life can get a little hectic and discouraging...but today, in this moment, I am filled with so much gratitude that I feel compelled to share it.  What better way than through this blog, right? 

In July of this year, I joined a new dance group:  Project D Dance Company.  I've always danced and it's definitely a passion, but I wasn't sure how it would fit into my life after graduating from college.  I had danced with the same company, Black Arts Company Dance, for all four years of my college career, and the thought of not having a dance family with which to learn and grow felt horrible.  All my friends were encouraging me to keep dancing, and asking me what teams I was planning to audition for, and all I could give were noncommittal responses...I wasn't sure.  

It wasn't that I no longer wanted to dance.   It was that the time during and following graduation was among the hardest in my life.  For reasons that I won't get into here, I went through almost a complete lack of confidence and faith in myself.  This was not specific to dance.  I battled with insecurity across a plethora of issues from dance, to weight/body-image, to self-worth and lots of things in between.  Basically, I just felt extremely sad, ALL of the time.  I would not say I was depressed, because I do not use that word lightly, as it's a condition that plagues so many people.  I can only say, however, that I spent most days crying and beating myself up for problems both within and beyond my control.  

As you can imagine, these feelings were not exactly encouraging me to continue dancing.  I wanted to find a team and a new dance family, but my self-doubt manifested itself in private declarations such as, "I'm not good enough," "If I audition, I'll never make it," and questions like, "What's the point?" If it weren't for the persistent encouragement of a few friends, I can say without a doubt that I would not have shown up to Project D's auditions.  

Thankfully, I DID show up.  It was scary and exciting all at once, but in the end, I ended up making callbacks and then, the team.  All my friends know how elated I was to have made the team, but I'm pretty sure no one knows exactly WHY I was so happy.  In that moment, it wasn't just about auditioning and making a new team.  It was about accomplishing something, about suffocating the "You can't do this" mantra that had been on repeat in my mind, and doing something because it brought me happiness.  Making the team was, in my eyes, a huge feat.  But working up the courage to actually audition was a tiny victory in and of itself.  It was me deciding not to sit around and be sad anymore. 

Unfortunately, my tiny victory was short lived.  In the weeks following the audition, anxiety and doubt set back in, and everything was scary again.  I can confidently say that even without knowing everyone super well, PD is collectively the nicest, most welcoming bunch of people I've ever been introduced to.  Everyone roots for each other, everyone supports each other.  You can tell that each member wants to see the others succeed.  When you doubt everything you do, however, all of that can be hard to see.  

So, not too long after getting accepted, I was back to hiding in the corner, not talking to people, getting overwhelmed.  Every night when I went home, I beat myself up for not opening up and being myself, but every time I went back to practice I clammed up again.  

Eventually, a few members took notice (or at least, I think they did haha) and offered me words of encouragement.  Without fully knowing the extent of my problem, they listened and supported.  

With the support of my teammates, my friends, and my mother, my attitude gradually began to change.  I decided to focus on my blessings instead of my (perceived) short-comings.  It wasn't a quick-fix, but rather a decision that I have to make and remake constantly:  the decision to be happy and thankful. 

ANYWAYDOE, let me finally get to the motivation for this post.  I clearly talk (write) too damn much...

Last night I prayed.  I prayed, not that the following day would be a good day, but that I would have the strength to make the most of it, whatever kind of day it should be.  As it turned out, you recognize a lot of blessings when you're not busy seeking them.  

Instead of focusing on the fact that I struggle in practices or can't get the moves, I focus on the fact that I'm surrounded by so much talent, inspiration and support.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I don't have a full-time job, I focus on the fact that I've recently started an internship that will be a small step in guiding me down a career path that I will love. I'm trying everyday to swap my self-deprecating thoughts for empowering ones.  

Tonight I watched a video that made me cry.  It was a video from a PD dance workshop where I got select group (chosen to perform at the end of class).  It wasn't the fact that I got select that made me emotional (though I was surprised haha).  Rather, it was reliving all the support from my team members in the room and recognizing that I've been blessed with such a wonderful opportunity.  I am still a new member of this group, but the warmth that has been extended to me thus far makes me love all my fellow members. 

I just wanted to capture this moment and express my gratitude.  I am in such a better place now than I was when I graduated.  It has been breathtaking to see what can happen when you stop and appreciate the opportunities that have been granted to you.  Feeling very grateful.  

-Kenziekenzz <3 

Updated Full Face Routine-YT Tutorial!

Oh haaaay there.

I'm no expert when it comes to makeup, just a girl who loves to throw colorful crap all over her face.

That being said, I've been trying to film more videos for my YouTube channel lately.  If you didn't know, you can find it here! My latest vid is an updated full face routine!  I go through my personal method of foundation application, as well as concealing, bronzing, highlighting, and contouring.

Check out the tutorial, ya hearrrrd?!

Products used:

Primer--MAC Strobe Cream
Foundation--Revlon ColorStay 400 Caramel
Concealer--Maybelline FitMe 20 Sand Sabel (for highlighting)
                --Black Opal, color unknown (for contouring)
Bronzer--NARS Casino
Highligher--Benefit Watt's Up
                 --MAC Soft & Gentle
Blush--Milani Luminoso
Powder--MAC Mineralize SkinFinish Natural in Medium Dark
Lipstick--MAC Relentlessly Red

Check out my vids! Like, comment, subscribe and I'll love you fo'evaaa!

Kenzie kenzz <3

Monday Mantra - Just pick up the pieces

We all get hurt.  It's inevitable.  Sometimes it's that sharp, blindsiding pain that comes out of nowhere.  When a person or situation goes completely left-field and you're left stunned.  Other times, it's more like a dull ache that we carry with us over the course of days, weeks, months, or even years.  We should probably get it checked out, but we choose to ignore it because we haven't yet reached the breaking point.  Something definitely doesn't feel right, but it's not ALL wrong, so there's no reason to stir the pot.

But why DON'T we stir the pot?  Why do we allow ourselves to continue on in friendships or relationships, leaving our most pressing concerns unvoiced? I think we fool ourselves into believing that if the hurt doesn't blindside us, if it doesn't come all at once and leave us stunned, it doesn't really hurt that bad.  We think that by being able to spot the issues from a distance, by being able to find, track, and expect them over and over again, we can deal with them when they get out of hand.  If we can see it coming, we think "oh, I'll be alright" if anything should ever go wrong. But consider this:

Often times, we will NEVER make sense out of the choices of those who hurt us.  No matter how long you stick around or how well you can predict that person's behavior down to the letter, when you are rejected, insulted, or abandoned by someone you love, trust, or maybe just wanted to love or trust, you will most likely not be able, despite your best efforts, to make sense of the things they did.  And you will not feel less devastated purely because you saw it coming.  If anything, you may feel worse:  In addition to being lied to, cheated on, unappreciated, or mistreated, you will have to swallow the pill that it was YOU who kept yourself in that situation.

 I find that trying to rationalize a person's actions usually causes more damage than clarity.  Think about it.  When we actively try to convince ourselves that something is okay, or try to justify a person's mistreatment simply because we care about them, there's always a part of us that's saying, "Girl, you know you trippin'..."  If you can't rationalize to YOURSELF why you continue to give chance after chance, if you can't justify your OWN actions, how on earth can you expect to be satisfied with the rationalizations or justifications of the one who has hurt you? My point is that when you are hurt by someone, it doesn't MATTER why they did what they did.  Of course, this is not to suggest that you don't look at all sides of a situation and try to evaluate, but, if a friendship or relationship has reached the breaking point, you KNOW it.  No amount of investigating or hearing them out is going to make you feel that the pain you have suffered was a fair trade.  Even if you do somehow get to the bottom of their reasoning, you will not find peace in knowing their motivations. You will not obtain closure from hearing an explanation, because at the end of the day, you would not have done to them what they did to you--and that is very difficult to make peace with.

That's why I believe that trying to dissect the reasons why someone hurt you will cause you more pain in the long run than just crying it out, and then fighting like HELL to get yourself together.  When someone (or something) puts us through hurt that leaves us fragmented in little pieces, we try to pick them up and put them back together in a way that makes sense.  Sometimes, we may just need to pick them up and move on.

-Kenziekenzz <3

OOTD-Friend's 21st Birthday!

HOLLERRRR for the first OOTD (outfit of the day) post on my blog!

For a Saturday night of dinner and dancing with my friends in NYC, I chose to pair this gold and black, baroque-styled skirt with this black crop top.  The top has sleeves, which I love, but they're also mesh, so I got to show a little extra skin.  I loved how the skirt was high waisted, only showing a tiny sliver of my midsection, which made me feel sexy and comfortable all at once!

We were out celebrating my friend Daphnée's big 21st birthday! Isn't she beauuutiful?! :)

I paired the top and skirt with a pair of chunky boots from Target. Even though they were an impulse buy, made as I SHOULD have been exiting the store, I'm so glad I got them.  It was a bit of a risk for me, considering I'm not much of a heels-girl.  Don't get me wrong, I love looking at heels in store windows, but I'm usually not willing to sacrifice my toes and arches for the extra fabulousness.  Fortunately, the thick platform on these made for an incredibly comfortable night of dancing.

Both my top and my skirt are from Forever21 +, which is their plus-sized clothing line.  I always find lots of cute things there that make me feel comfy, but still invite me to be daring and highlight my shape.

Items: 
Skirt-- Forever 21+ -- Baroque Patterned Midi Skirt ($14.80) 
Top-- Forever 21+ -- Textured Crosshatch Crop Top ($15.80)
Boots-- Target-- Women's Susan Heeled Bootie, Mossimo Supply Co. ($34.99)

Looking forward to more OOTD posts on the blog! :-*

-Kenziekenzz <3

Monday Mantra -- Be Consistent (weight loss strug life)

I love me an inspirational quote.  Soooo today kicks off the first of a series I call "Monday Mantras."  Basically, I want to start each week with a mantra or quote, or just a random motivational thought.  If you're like me, Monday is definitely the day of the week where you could use a little extra motivation!

The "Monday Mantra" posts may or may not be connected to an anecdote from my life.  Today's mantra:  BE CONSISTENT.  Context:  my weight loss journey...

As I sit here, fresh off a week-long vacation full of swimming, tanning, and general laying around, the LAST thing I want to do is go to the gym -___-.  I've spent the majority of the day sitting at my desk, rationalizing to myself why I don't need to workout today.  My internal dialogue: 

A:  "Girl, you were sooooo good at lunch today! Look at chuuu, eating just that baked chicken and that water!" *praise dance*

B:  "...and those chips..."

A:  "Yeah, but it balances out, I'm pretty sure." 

It's days like this that are the most difficult to find work out motivation.  Sometimes, my dreams of having a body like Beyoncé trump my desire not to go to the gym.  More often than not, however, it is my love of staying in bed and not sweating out my edges that emerges victorious.  

Just when I had practically convinced myself that it was okay to skip the day's workout, I came across these two quotes:  

* "If you want to control the direction of your life, you must consistently make good decisions. It's not what you do once in a while that has an impact on the direction of your life--it's what you do consistently.  Make decisions today about how you are going to live in the years to come.  For your decisions to really make a difference in your life, it's imperative to decide what results you're committed to--and know specifically how these results will transform your life. It's equally critical to decide what kind of person you're committed to becoming.  Get clear about what you want to be, do and have, and what your life will be like after you accomplish this.  With that clarity, you'll find it becomes easier to make the kinds of decisions that will move you in the direction you desire." --Anthony Robbins 

* "Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated failures.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." --Calvin Coolidge 

These quotes were so perfect; it's like the universe might as well have just b*tch-slapped me with my running shoes.  In all seriousness, the words in both of these quotes really resonated with me.  I have to accept the fact that I'm probably not going to wake up everyday and magically want to skip off to the gym.  I'm probably not going to suddenly hate all of my favorite foods.  BUT, I'm also not going to wake up slimmer or healthier.  These quotes have reminded me that I need to train my MIND just as much as my body.  I can't focus on the hour or so of "OH MA GAWDDD, I hate life. What evil person invented the treadmill?!?!"  Instead, I have to focus on the end goals:  increased health, self esteem, and all around sexiness, of course.  It'll get easier, but only if I stick with it.  That means that TODAY is workout day, not tomorrow or the next day.  

Though I've chosen to relate these quotes to my weight loss journey, they clearly speak to so much more than that.  Persistence and consistency are the key to achieving anything we want out of life.  Continuing to go to the gym even when the pounds aren't dropping off.  Continuing to submit job applications even when the offers aren't rolling in.  If you work your hardest toward something, you might not get it.  But if you don't put in anything at all, you'll damn sure be coming back empty-handed.  

Remember your reasons and keep going! <3 

Dem Browsss--Eyebrow Tutorial

Thankfully, I have been blessed with many things.  Unfortunately, full eyebrows are not among those blessings.  Don't get me wrong--I don't need to be Drake or Cara Delevingne status, but I'm saying...a few more brow hairs wouldn't hurt me.  

Anyway, a girl has gotta work with what she's got, so that means filling in them brows.  Some use gels and eyeshadows, but I tend to stick to eyebrow pencils for the most part.  MAC's "Spiked" brow pencil has become a staple in my brow routine.  Now, I'm by no means a makeup artist or expert, but I like to think I can fill in a decent brow haha.  Check out my tutorial below and if you like what you see, be sure to subscribe to my YT channel:  cosmeticsbyKenz :)

Here's to getting them brows together! (Cuz let's face it...you can't give a decent side eye without a good pair of brows) 

Oh haaay!

Oh hey. Needed an outlet, a place to collect all my random thoughts and musings without further blowing up my friends' facebook and twitter feeds. Sooooo, if you're into makeup and music, and basically all the musings of a twenty-something, Beyoncé-loving, twerk-music appreciating, dog-obsessing, quarter-life crisising college grad, WELCOME. 

So what kinds of stuff am I gonna post about, you ask? 
-Makeup
-Hair
-Music
-Self-love
-Dogs (and other cute animals)
-General "trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my life" posts

All in all, I just hope this blog can spread a little fun and a lotta love, ya digggg?

Follow meeee for posts on makeup, nail art, clothes, and all things I find fabulous: 

Instagram:  @cosmeticsbykenz
YouTube:  @cosmeticsbykenz
Twitter: Personal-- @kenzie_kenz1
            Makeup-- @cosmeticsbykenz