Words are not sufficient, but I have to try...

Hi. 

First, I want to say that I know I have been absent from this blog for quite a while.  Post-grad life can get a little hectic and discouraging...but today, in this moment, I am filled with so much gratitude that I feel compelled to share it.  What better way than through this blog, right? 

In July of this year, I joined a new dance group:  Project D Dance Company.  I've always danced and it's definitely a passion, but I wasn't sure how it would fit into my life after graduating from college.  I had danced with the same company, Black Arts Company Dance, for all four years of my college career, and the thought of not having a dance family with which to learn and grow felt horrible.  All my friends were encouraging me to keep dancing, and asking me what teams I was planning to audition for, and all I could give were noncommittal responses...I wasn't sure.  

It wasn't that I no longer wanted to dance.   It was that the time during and following graduation was among the hardest in my life.  For reasons that I won't get into here, I went through almost a complete lack of confidence and faith in myself.  This was not specific to dance.  I battled with insecurity across a plethora of issues from dance, to weight/body-image, to self-worth and lots of things in between.  Basically, I just felt extremely sad, ALL of the time.  I would not say I was depressed, because I do not use that word lightly, as it's a condition that plagues so many people.  I can only say, however, that I spent most days crying and beating myself up for problems both within and beyond my control.  

As you can imagine, these feelings were not exactly encouraging me to continue dancing.  I wanted to find a team and a new dance family, but my self-doubt manifested itself in private declarations such as, "I'm not good enough," "If I audition, I'll never make it," and questions like, "What's the point?" If it weren't for the persistent encouragement of a few friends, I can say without a doubt that I would not have shown up to Project D's auditions.  

Thankfully, I DID show up.  It was scary and exciting all at once, but in the end, I ended up making callbacks and then, the team.  All my friends know how elated I was to have made the team, but I'm pretty sure no one knows exactly WHY I was so happy.  In that moment, it wasn't just about auditioning and making a new team.  It was about accomplishing something, about suffocating the "You can't do this" mantra that had been on repeat in my mind, and doing something because it brought me happiness.  Making the team was, in my eyes, a huge feat.  But working up the courage to actually audition was a tiny victory in and of itself.  It was me deciding not to sit around and be sad anymore. 

Unfortunately, my tiny victory was short lived.  In the weeks following the audition, anxiety and doubt set back in, and everything was scary again.  I can confidently say that even without knowing everyone super well, PD is collectively the nicest, most welcoming bunch of people I've ever been introduced to.  Everyone roots for each other, everyone supports each other.  You can tell that each member wants to see the others succeed.  When you doubt everything you do, however, all of that can be hard to see.  

So, not too long after getting accepted, I was back to hiding in the corner, not talking to people, getting overwhelmed.  Every night when I went home, I beat myself up for not opening up and being myself, but every time I went back to practice I clammed up again.  

Eventually, a few members took notice (or at least, I think they did haha) and offered me words of encouragement.  Without fully knowing the extent of my problem, they listened and supported.  

With the support of my teammates, my friends, and my mother, my attitude gradually began to change.  I decided to focus on my blessings instead of my (perceived) short-comings.  It wasn't a quick-fix, but rather a decision that I have to make and remake constantly:  the decision to be happy and thankful. 

ANYWAYDOE, let me finally get to the motivation for this post.  I clearly talk (write) too damn much...

Last night I prayed.  I prayed, not that the following day would be a good day, but that I would have the strength to make the most of it, whatever kind of day it should be.  As it turned out, you recognize a lot of blessings when you're not busy seeking them.  

Instead of focusing on the fact that I struggle in practices or can't get the moves, I focus on the fact that I'm surrounded by so much talent, inspiration and support.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I don't have a full-time job, I focus on the fact that I've recently started an internship that will be a small step in guiding me down a career path that I will love. I'm trying everyday to swap my self-deprecating thoughts for empowering ones.  

Tonight I watched a video that made me cry.  It was a video from a PD dance workshop where I got select group (chosen to perform at the end of class).  It wasn't the fact that I got select that made me emotional (though I was surprised haha).  Rather, it was reliving all the support from my team members in the room and recognizing that I've been blessed with such a wonderful opportunity.  I am still a new member of this group, but the warmth that has been extended to me thus far makes me love all my fellow members. 

I just wanted to capture this moment and express my gratitude.  I am in such a better place now than I was when I graduated.  It has been breathtaking to see what can happen when you stop and appreciate the opportunities that have been granted to you.  Feeling very grateful.  

-Kenziekenzz <3