I know what you're thinking: Girl, BYE! *insert stank face emoji.* But in all seriousness, it is a problem that I deal with, and one I'm sure others might be facing as well. I'm afraid of failure. The thought that I might not reach the goals I desire the most is terrifying to me, and so it can seem easier not to try. I do it with lots of things: losing weight, dating, dancing. If you don't put yourself out there, you can't be disappointed, right? Well, thankfully, I realize that this mentality serves no one, least of all myself. I am working on changing this mindset, but I must admit, it can be hard to talk about because of the stigma that comes with being afraid. This stigma takes many forms: "get over it," "man up," "stop being a punk," or my personal favorite, "stop crying witcho b*tch*ass!" In my experience, often times when I've tried to communicate just how crippling fear can be in my life, I get the "tough love" responses. People who might not identify with your particular struggle will tell you that you're being ridiculous, that you'll never see results without effort, or that you complain too much. The truth is, they're right.
But I recently discovered something interesting about myself. Whenever I get those comments, whenever I'm told just to "suck it up and try," the only feeling that grows inside of me is resentment. I can know with 100% confidence that what you're saying makes sense, that I DO need to get over myself and try, but it doesn't matter. I've discovered that tough love just doesn't resonate with me. Instead of feeling pushed and encouraged, it makes me feel belittled and misunderstood. I know that this is, most of the time, not the intention of the other person. More often than not, they genuinely want to help. Regardless, I've found that it's just not a method that works for me. I simply don't respond to it.
Sooooo how exactly do you get your shit together when you can't handle being told to get your shit together? Interesting question.
In a recent fit of frustration, I took to Facebook with the status "how do you stop being afraid to do things???" It was more of a rhetorical question; an instance of emotional word vomit, if you will haha. But I did get some answers. One of my good college friends texted me shortly after to offer her two cents. She didn't tell me to suck it up. Instead, without even knowing exactly what had prompted my status, she offered up some tidbits on how SHE copes with fear. The conversation that ensued helped me immensely.
Basically, this friend suggested that I try to look at facing my fears as a way to honor myself and God. She referenced a particular video of singer/rapper Lauryn Hill:
My friend: "Also you know what helps me? Sometimes it feels kinda weird or uncomfortable and mad scary to jump out there but I saw this clip of Lauryn hill talking about where her confidence comes from. And she said she is confident but not necessarily because of herself, but because she knows God is in her and in everyone. And in honoring herself, she is honoring God. We were made for so much and we all have immense potential because God is in us...
...I think I liked her quote cuz sometimes it's easy to get down on ourselves and be our own worst critics. I think it's part of being human. But when I feel down I try to remember that when I treat myself right I'm honoring God.
Or look at baby pictures and think, like what does that little kid deserve? How should they eat and carry themselves and all of that. And it's so true--we are all here for a reason!!"
When I posted to FB that night, I didn't post expecting to get any answers. I was just venting. Now looking back, I'm so glad that I did. My friend's words resonated very powerfully with me. Facing your fears is not just about "toughening up" or "getting over" something. It's also about recognizing your worth, and doing your best work both for yourself, and for God. Her point about looking at her baby pictures really spoke to me. When we're little, we have all these dreams and big ideas. Think about how many dreams and opportunities you're stealing from yourself, from that little you, every time you tell yourself you can't do something. God planted an idea inside of you, because He wanted to see you reach it. So why are you telling Him that He's wrong?
We've all heard or read this quote SOMEWHERE before. Now, in light of recent events, I appreciate it so much more:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Kenziekenzz <3
