At the Gates

Here's an old poem I decided to share.  It's one of the few things I wrote in high school that doesn't make me cringe.

You disappeared and tore my world,
My life, colored with scarlet pain.
Days of grief, all plans unfurled
And constant sadness poured down like rain.
But don't despair, we'll meet again;
By His will, we'll see the Gates
And Heaven's light will help us, friend,
To forget about untimely fates. 
For angels' mercy grants this much:
That the innocent live on in peace.
You weren't meant to feel Death's touch
So in Heaven your worries shall cease.
And as He sits upon His throne
I know He smiles and calmly waits
To call me to my blissful home
Where we will meet at Heaven's Gates.

Another Black Body: Fear

I am not going to sit here and try to convince people that racism exists.  I am not going to point out the endless examples of cultural appropriation in America and explain why they're wrong.  I am not going to argue about ownership of the n-word, or black on black crime, or whether police are in fact using excessive force.

I am also not going to argue about whether the sky is blue or the sun is hot.  I'm not.  I'm tired, uninterested, and frankly, there is nothing I could say that hasn't been said much more powerfully and thoroughly in the million essays, articles, speeches, and posts before this one.  So instead of trying to understand what's going on inside the heads and hearts of racists and what seems like an apathetic-American majority, I'm going to do the only productive work it seems I can do...which is to make sense of what the hell I'm feeling through all of this.

Ferguson, Baltimore, McKinney, Charleston...Every time a new story pops up, I'm hit with a barrage of feelings before I can even make sense of what has happened.  As I read, comment, and share the posts of my friends, I recognize similar responses, shared sentiments.  Most interestingly, I notice a familiar fluctuation of emotions that I think is worth some exploration.

This post will be the first in a series of posts as I attempt to explore those emotions, the complicated cavalcade of feelings that leave us simultaneously broken and emboldened, resigned and resilient.  I'm not entirely sure where this or going, or if I'll share it, or why I'm even writing it for that matter.  All I know is that when I have a lot of feelings, I have to write. Perhaps it's for no other reason than to offer a peek into the mind of one, and hope that it sparks some sense of comfort or solidarity in another.  I think it's safe to say we could all use a little unity right now.

 Each post will focus on a different feeling:  anger, heartbreak, fear, frustration, exhaustion/numbness, etc.  I think in truth, we all live in all of these stages forever.  They take turns at the forefront and do not operate in a particular order, but they're all constantly there.  Wherever we start, I believe we have to end with resilience.  Keep learning, keep educating, keep sharing, keep posting.  Keep talking for the victims who can no longer speak for themselves, and for the next generations who won't have a choice if we don't do the work now.

Anyway, here's the first of the series...

Another Black Body:  Fear

When we were young, fear was easy.  Darkness, monsters, spiders...all were terrifying but avoidable.  We could get a nightlight, or call mom and dad to shoo the bad dreams away.  As I've gotten older, fear has evolved into something much more sinister than my imagination could ever come up with.  Fear for my life, the lives of my loved ones.  Fear that my brother's dreads might draw too much attention while he was driving, walking, existing.  Fear that his brown skin would do the same once he cut the dreads off.  Fear that the "leaders of tomorrow" sitting across from me in Princeton University classrooms were just extremely well-read bigots.  The list goes on.

There is a lot to be afraid of, but there's one fear in particular that sickens me: the fear of being shamed for being vocal about these issues.  Staying up late ranting to friends, signing petitions, sharing stories on social media, asking questions, verbally jousting with trolls and the "but ALL lives matter" parade in the comments section of endless Facebook posts...it gets tiring, but I have the courage of my convictions and knowing that keeping the conversations going is the very least I can do to uphold the work of activists and martyrs before us.

That being said, it can get difficult when you notice friends quieting down when you enter a room, or accusing you of making things awkward for speaking your mind.  Branding you as "militant" or "loud," or some other sly way of saying, "I wish she would shut up about this stuff."  And then there are the friends who only see things in black and white; who think that because I love black people, I somehow don't love others.  Your love for your friends and the natural human desire to "fit in" can sometimes leave you feeling like maybe you're doing too much; maybe this isn't the crowd or now isn't the time for me to bring this up.

F*ck that.

 If we can only be friends when I'm sharing videos of cute puppies and babies, I'm not here for it.  If you can ask me how to twerk, but suddenly have no time to talk when real topics come up, I'm not here for it.  If I have to be afraid that our relationship is conditional upon how much I mention my blackness, I don't want it.  I've spent a lot of time being afraid of being that person:  that person that makes things uncomfortable, or can't take a joke, or gets too sensitive.  I've also spent a lot of time being uncomfortable, being the butt of racially insensitive jokes, and feeling sick to my stomach for letting that kind of bs make me question myself.  Intentional or not, shaming someone for being proud of the people and culture from which they come is ignorant and reprehensible.  Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that?

For anyone reading this who sees him/herself in this group of friends I've described, for anyone who is tired of everyone "making everything about race," or thinks we should just leave if we're so unhappy with America...Do I make you uncomfortable?  Tough.  Racism and people who wear socks with sandals make me uncomfortable.  But they, like my opinions, aren't going away either.  Woops.

For anyone reading this who, like me, has ever found themselves feeling embarrassed for their views, of afraid to have an opinion...don't be too hard on yourselves.  Fake friends and the media shame us enough without us doing it to ourselves.  Hold your head up and know that you'll sleep better for having spoken your truth.  Don't be afraid to have feelings or to voice them.  There are bigger things to be afraid of...like, you know, being Black in America.

-Kenziekenzz <3

Why It's Time To STOP Being Afraid

If there were an award for psyching yourself out, I'd be the winner, the runner up, and ALL the nominees.  Alright, maybe I'm being extra...but the point is, I am the queen of scaring myself out of things.  I wouldn't call myself a quitter, because my issue is not with following through.  Instead, my problem is that I build things up to be SO big and SO unattainable in my mind, that I often don't even try.  Why go for that?  What's the point?  Why try if it's never going to happen anyway?

I know what you're thinking:  Girl, BYE! *insert stank face emoji.* But in all seriousness, it is a problem that I deal with, and one I'm sure others might be facing as well. I'm afraid of failure.  The thought that I might not reach the goals I desire the most is terrifying to me, and so it can seem easier not to try.  I do it with lots of things:  losing weight, dating, dancing.  If you don't put yourself out there, you can't be disappointed, right? Well, thankfully, I realize that this mentality serves no one, least of all myself.  I am working on changing this mindset, but I must admit, it can be hard to talk about because of the stigma that comes with being afraid.  This stigma takes many forms:  "get over it," "man up," "stop being a punk," or my personal favorite, "stop crying witcho b*tch*ass!"  In my experience, often times when I've tried to communicate just how crippling fear can be in my life, I get the "tough love" responses.  People who might not identify with your particular struggle will tell you that you're being ridiculous, that you'll never see results without effort, or that you complain too much.  The truth is, they're right.

But I recently discovered something interesting about myself.  Whenever I get those comments, whenever I'm told just to "suck it up and try," the only feeling that grows inside of me is resentment.  I can know with 100% confidence that what you're saying makes sense, that I DO need to get over myself and try, but it doesn't matter.  I've discovered that tough love just doesn't resonate with me.  Instead of feeling pushed and encouraged, it makes me feel belittled and misunderstood.  I know that this is, most of the time, not the intention of the other person.  More often than not, they genuinely want to help.  Regardless, I've found that it's just not a method that works for me.  I simply don't respond to it.

Sooooo how exactly do you get your shit together when you can't handle being told to get your shit together?  Interesting question.

In a recent fit of frustration, I took to Facebook with the status "how do you stop being afraid to do things???"  It was more of a rhetorical question; an instance of emotional word vomit, if you will haha.  But I did get some answers.  One of my good college friends texted me shortly after to offer her two cents.  She didn't tell me to suck it up.  Instead, without even knowing exactly what had prompted my status, she offered up some tidbits on how SHE copes with fear.  The conversation that ensued helped me immensely.

Basically, this friend suggested that I try to look at facing my fears as a way to honor myself and God.  She referenced a particular video of singer/rapper Lauryn Hill:

     My friend:  "Also you know what helps me?  Sometimes it feels kinda weird or uncomfortable and mad scary to jump out there but I saw this clip of Lauryn hill talking about where her confidence comes from.  And she said she is confident but not necessarily because of herself, but because she knows God is in her and in everyone.  And in honoring herself, she is honoring God.  We were made for so much and we all have immense potential because God is in us...

                        ...I think I liked her quote cuz sometimes it's easy to get down on ourselves and be our own worst critics.  I think it's part of being human.  But when I feel down I try to remember that when I treat myself right I'm honoring God.

                        Or look at baby pictures and think, like what does that little kid deserve?  How should they eat and carry themselves and all of that.  And it's so true--we are all here for a reason!!"

When I posted to FB that night, I didn't post expecting to get any answers.  I was just venting. Now looking back, I'm so glad that I did.  My friend's words resonated very powerfully with me.  Facing your fears is not just about "toughening up" or "getting over" something.  It's also about recognizing your worth, and doing your best work both for yourself, and for God.  Her point about looking at her baby pictures really spoke to me.  When we're little, we have all these dreams and big ideas.  Think about how many dreams and opportunities you're stealing from yourself, from that little you, every time you tell yourself you can't do something.  God planted an idea inside of you, because He wanted to see you reach it.  So why are you telling Him that He's wrong?  

We've all heard or read this quote SOMEWHERE before.  Now, in light of recent events, I appreciate it so much more:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Kenziekenzz <3

Words are not sufficient, but I have to try...

Hi. 

First, I want to say that I know I have been absent from this blog for quite a while.  Post-grad life can get a little hectic and discouraging...but today, in this moment, I am filled with so much gratitude that I feel compelled to share it.  What better way than through this blog, right? 

In July of this year, I joined a new dance group:  Project D Dance Company.  I've always danced and it's definitely a passion, but I wasn't sure how it would fit into my life after graduating from college.  I had danced with the same company, Black Arts Company Dance, for all four years of my college career, and the thought of not having a dance family with which to learn and grow felt horrible.  All my friends were encouraging me to keep dancing, and asking me what teams I was planning to audition for, and all I could give were noncommittal responses...I wasn't sure.  

It wasn't that I no longer wanted to dance.   It was that the time during and following graduation was among the hardest in my life.  For reasons that I won't get into here, I went through almost a complete lack of confidence and faith in myself.  This was not specific to dance.  I battled with insecurity across a plethora of issues from dance, to weight/body-image, to self-worth and lots of things in between.  Basically, I just felt extremely sad, ALL of the time.  I would not say I was depressed, because I do not use that word lightly, as it's a condition that plagues so many people.  I can only say, however, that I spent most days crying and beating myself up for problems both within and beyond my control.  

As you can imagine, these feelings were not exactly encouraging me to continue dancing.  I wanted to find a team and a new dance family, but my self-doubt manifested itself in private declarations such as, "I'm not good enough," "If I audition, I'll never make it," and questions like, "What's the point?" If it weren't for the persistent encouragement of a few friends, I can say without a doubt that I would not have shown up to Project D's auditions.  

Thankfully, I DID show up.  It was scary and exciting all at once, but in the end, I ended up making callbacks and then, the team.  All my friends know how elated I was to have made the team, but I'm pretty sure no one knows exactly WHY I was so happy.  In that moment, it wasn't just about auditioning and making a new team.  It was about accomplishing something, about suffocating the "You can't do this" mantra that had been on repeat in my mind, and doing something because it brought me happiness.  Making the team was, in my eyes, a huge feat.  But working up the courage to actually audition was a tiny victory in and of itself.  It was me deciding not to sit around and be sad anymore. 

Unfortunately, my tiny victory was short lived.  In the weeks following the audition, anxiety and doubt set back in, and everything was scary again.  I can confidently say that even without knowing everyone super well, PD is collectively the nicest, most welcoming bunch of people I've ever been introduced to.  Everyone roots for each other, everyone supports each other.  You can tell that each member wants to see the others succeed.  When you doubt everything you do, however, all of that can be hard to see.  

So, not too long after getting accepted, I was back to hiding in the corner, not talking to people, getting overwhelmed.  Every night when I went home, I beat myself up for not opening up and being myself, but every time I went back to practice I clammed up again.  

Eventually, a few members took notice (or at least, I think they did haha) and offered me words of encouragement.  Without fully knowing the extent of my problem, they listened and supported.  

With the support of my teammates, my friends, and my mother, my attitude gradually began to change.  I decided to focus on my blessings instead of my (perceived) short-comings.  It wasn't a quick-fix, but rather a decision that I have to make and remake constantly:  the decision to be happy and thankful. 

ANYWAYDOE, let me finally get to the motivation for this post.  I clearly talk (write) too damn much...

Last night I prayed.  I prayed, not that the following day would be a good day, but that I would have the strength to make the most of it, whatever kind of day it should be.  As it turned out, you recognize a lot of blessings when you're not busy seeking them.  

Instead of focusing on the fact that I struggle in practices or can't get the moves, I focus on the fact that I'm surrounded by so much talent, inspiration and support.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I don't have a full-time job, I focus on the fact that I've recently started an internship that will be a small step in guiding me down a career path that I will love. I'm trying everyday to swap my self-deprecating thoughts for empowering ones.  

Tonight I watched a video that made me cry.  It was a video from a PD dance workshop where I got select group (chosen to perform at the end of class).  It wasn't the fact that I got select that made me emotional (though I was surprised haha).  Rather, it was reliving all the support from my team members in the room and recognizing that I've been blessed with such a wonderful opportunity.  I am still a new member of this group, but the warmth that has been extended to me thus far makes me love all my fellow members. 

I just wanted to capture this moment and express my gratitude.  I am in such a better place now than I was when I graduated.  It has been breathtaking to see what can happen when you stop and appreciate the opportunities that have been granted to you.  Feeling very grateful.  

-Kenziekenzz <3 

Updated Full Face Routine-YT Tutorial!

Oh haaaay there.

I'm no expert when it comes to makeup, just a girl who loves to throw colorful crap all over her face.

That being said, I've been trying to film more videos for my YouTube channel lately.  If you didn't know, you can find it here! My latest vid is an updated full face routine!  I go through my personal method of foundation application, as well as concealing, bronzing, highlighting, and contouring.

Check out the tutorial, ya hearrrrd?!

Products used:

Primer--MAC Strobe Cream
Foundation--Revlon ColorStay 400 Caramel
Concealer--Maybelline FitMe 20 Sand Sabel (for highlighting)
                --Black Opal, color unknown (for contouring)
Bronzer--NARS Casino
Highligher--Benefit Watt's Up
                 --MAC Soft & Gentle
Blush--Milani Luminoso
Powder--MAC Mineralize SkinFinish Natural in Medium Dark
Lipstick--MAC Relentlessly Red

Check out my vids! Like, comment, subscribe and I'll love you fo'evaaa!

Kenzie kenzz <3

Monday Mantra - Just pick up the pieces

We all get hurt.  It's inevitable.  Sometimes it's that sharp, blindsiding pain that comes out of nowhere.  When a person or situation goes completely left-field and you're left stunned.  Other times, it's more like a dull ache that we carry with us over the course of days, weeks, months, or even years.  We should probably get it checked out, but we choose to ignore it because we haven't yet reached the breaking point.  Something definitely doesn't feel right, but it's not ALL wrong, so there's no reason to stir the pot.

But why DON'T we stir the pot?  Why do we allow ourselves to continue on in friendships or relationships, leaving our most pressing concerns unvoiced? I think we fool ourselves into believing that if the hurt doesn't blindside us, if it doesn't come all at once and leave us stunned, it doesn't really hurt that bad.  We think that by being able to spot the issues from a distance, by being able to find, track, and expect them over and over again, we can deal with them when they get out of hand.  If we can see it coming, we think "oh, I'll be alright" if anything should ever go wrong. But consider this:

Often times, we will NEVER make sense out of the choices of those who hurt us.  No matter how long you stick around or how well you can predict that person's behavior down to the letter, when you are rejected, insulted, or abandoned by someone you love, trust, or maybe just wanted to love or trust, you will most likely not be able, despite your best efforts, to make sense of the things they did.  And you will not feel less devastated purely because you saw it coming.  If anything, you may feel worse:  In addition to being lied to, cheated on, unappreciated, or mistreated, you will have to swallow the pill that it was YOU who kept yourself in that situation.

 I find that trying to rationalize a person's actions usually causes more damage than clarity.  Think about it.  When we actively try to convince ourselves that something is okay, or try to justify a person's mistreatment simply because we care about them, there's always a part of us that's saying, "Girl, you know you trippin'..."  If you can't rationalize to YOURSELF why you continue to give chance after chance, if you can't justify your OWN actions, how on earth can you expect to be satisfied with the rationalizations or justifications of the one who has hurt you? My point is that when you are hurt by someone, it doesn't MATTER why they did what they did.  Of course, this is not to suggest that you don't look at all sides of a situation and try to evaluate, but, if a friendship or relationship has reached the breaking point, you KNOW it.  No amount of investigating or hearing them out is going to make you feel that the pain you have suffered was a fair trade.  Even if you do somehow get to the bottom of their reasoning, you will not find peace in knowing their motivations. You will not obtain closure from hearing an explanation, because at the end of the day, you would not have done to them what they did to you--and that is very difficult to make peace with.

That's why I believe that trying to dissect the reasons why someone hurt you will cause you more pain in the long run than just crying it out, and then fighting like HELL to get yourself together.  When someone (or something) puts us through hurt that leaves us fragmented in little pieces, we try to pick them up and put them back together in a way that makes sense.  Sometimes, we may just need to pick them up and move on.

-Kenziekenzz <3

OOTD-Friend's 21st Birthday!

HOLLERRRR for the first OOTD (outfit of the day) post on my blog!

For a Saturday night of dinner and dancing with my friends in NYC, I chose to pair this gold and black, baroque-styled skirt with this black crop top.  The top has sleeves, which I love, but they're also mesh, so I got to show a little extra skin.  I loved how the skirt was high waisted, only showing a tiny sliver of my midsection, which made me feel sexy and comfortable all at once!

We were out celebrating my friend Daphnée's big 21st birthday! Isn't she beauuutiful?! :)

I paired the top and skirt with a pair of chunky boots from Target. Even though they were an impulse buy, made as I SHOULD have been exiting the store, I'm so glad I got them.  It was a bit of a risk for me, considering I'm not much of a heels-girl.  Don't get me wrong, I love looking at heels in store windows, but I'm usually not willing to sacrifice my toes and arches for the extra fabulousness.  Fortunately, the thick platform on these made for an incredibly comfortable night of dancing.

Both my top and my skirt are from Forever21 +, which is their plus-sized clothing line.  I always find lots of cute things there that make me feel comfy, but still invite me to be daring and highlight my shape.

Items: 
Skirt-- Forever 21+ -- Baroque Patterned Midi Skirt ($14.80) 
Top-- Forever 21+ -- Textured Crosshatch Crop Top ($15.80)
Boots-- Target-- Women's Susan Heeled Bootie, Mossimo Supply Co. ($34.99)

Looking forward to more OOTD posts on the blog! :-*

-Kenziekenzz <3